The Charms of the Portcullis Arms

May 4th 2005

"In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a mighty pleasure dome decree" and so it came to pass that rising like the sun over the tip of Mount Olympia, a new heaven, a kingdom of the Gods came into being - The Portcullis Arms. The Hammersmith Road will never be the same again as the legend spreads throughout the land of tales of daring do amongst the people blessed with access to this IT Utopia.

At the centre of British life has always been the local public house. All you could want to know about a village or town can be found out by observing the goings on within its walls. The toothless crone in the corner, generously known as "a character" - will regale you with stories of local life and intrigue as colourful as his ruddy blue nose which looks like a map of the canal routes of England. The very names of pubs themselves will often give you a clue to the past of a place. The Dog and Duck, The Fox and Geese or The Farmer and Ferret.

And so it was last week at Olympia when two 35 foot banners draped along the outside of a London hostelry were more than a clue that Portcullis had come to town riding on the crest of a wave.

Anyone who wanted to find out what was worth knowing about at this year's Infosec, or who wanted to meet the key players and hear what was being said by those whose opinions matter, needed only one thing; a pass to the Portcullis Arms. Now in its second year, this Mecca of movers and shakers was filled to the rafters with the great and the good of the industry who had been hand picked as worthy of an invitation to the most popular stand at the show. From the early arrivals for breakfast, the day began in earnest as our guests sought sustenance to give them the stamina they needed to face the marauding hordes of the exhibition.

As the delicate strains of Handel drifted across the air, attractive cherubs waited hand and foot upon the every need of the chosen people. "Oh brave new world that has such beautiful people in it." The crowds and the vox humana swelled up like a bull frog's throat as the time for lunch drew near. The scrumptious food was well received as we managed over three days not to poison anyone with the chicken. We didn't want to be remembered as the people who put the hospital into hospitality!

In true Portcullis style, we decided to treat the serious nature of the IT Security Industry with the contempt it deserves and put on a little caberet at lunchtime.

This involved a boy of no fixed abode on the keyboard, a Check Team Leader on guitar and yours truly on a hiding to nothing in a pair of tight shorts. Showing no discrimination to any particular group, we managed to devise material that was offensive to every race, creed or football team, thus amusing all.

Enjoy the fun! - download the videos from the list below:

The jungle drums had certainly done their job since the launch of the Portcullis Arms in 2004 and demand this year outstripped even my expectations. It was a genuine pleasure to welcome so many clients and friends. Even more enjoyable was smiling at people I don't like whilst explaining that "unfortunately" they couldn't come in because they didn't have an invite and we were just too busy. If you're one of those people and reading this message - SHUKS!

Clive Room