One Friday on a glorious spring morning in March, the Portcullis team assembled on the sunny banks of Southwark to deliver the latest in the long line of Portcullis Security Seminars. A new venue had been chosen for the first event of the season, on the south side of the river. Now I have very strict rules about these things. So long as I can smell the polluted waters of the Thames and see the various items of household waste floating as flotsam and jetsom on the crest of its waves, then I’m alright, If I’m any further south than that, I need security guards and a direct line to the British Consulate. Fortunately our seminar was taking place just inside the line of my safety zone, within spitting distance of the riverbank, providing you were a very proficient spitter.

Happily, the good weather had encouraged our guests to come out of their winter bolt holes and there was a 97% turnout. Needless to say I have dealt with my one unexpected no show in a fashion that was inspired by an old episode of Tenko. He will definitely be at the Portcullis Arms; serving the drinks.

The new venue was an intriguing venture; a wine museum called Vinopolis. They encourage their visitors to use the museum interactively and drink copious amounts of alcohol. The festivities take place seven days a week, underneath the arches of London Bridge station in a rabbit warren of rooms, truly cavernous to man. Our seminar was practically inside a modified railway arch, with a cinema size screen which was screaming out for a projected close-up of yours truly. The spring theme of brightly coloured tulips, framed a seminar with three different presenters, whose contributions were all well received. There was a presentation on in-built weaknesses within web applications, an examination of the latest techniqies being used in phishing scams and our Technical Director took a look at the bigger picture , encouraging a discussion on the issues that impact upon management decions and policy.Even I attempted to talk seriously about recent legislation but our seminar audience saw straight through me.

Lunch at their award winning, three rosette restaurant was splendid, unless you were vegan, in which case they rather neglect you. Having sampled some fine wine with our meal the theme continued as personal guides took us round the museum in small groups
for private guided wine tasting tours. The guides had to expel their wine into a spittoon as they conduct several tours a day but fortunately the rest of us could quaff away whilst pontificating about the importance of combining a great nose with fine legs as if we were cloning a love child between Barbara Streisand and Uma Thurman!


We finished up in the Brew Wharf to choose from a vast selection of different European beers and wines of the world before people headed off proudly clutching their new Portcullis brollies.

The Vinopolis site is divided up into different businesses for the wine tour and seminars, the main restaurant and the Brew Wharf. To anyone considering such an event, be warned that these various entities communicate with each other with all the efficiency of computer networks within the Home Office. So be prepared to co-ordinate and organise the event yourself, every step of the way.

If you weren’t there then you’ll have to work harder on getting yourself into the select group of people deemed worthy of such fine hospitality.