The sun shines down on the righteous

Stately as a galleon, the Good Ship Portcullis came into port on Friday the 8th with an eager crew waiting to welcome some very special passengers. And there, proudly flapping in the breeze was the company flag atop the jack staff.
The brass rails were gleaming and all was "ship shape and Bristol fashion" as our exclusive band of "A" list guests came aboard.

Captain Smugwash looked every inch a sailor, with authentic stubble and a distinct aroma of rum as he greeted each guest in turn.

The impressive turn out boded well for a fine day, as all were punctual and smart, waiting on the pier for the Portcullis pageantry to arrive. It has to be said that not everyone appeared to have had a good night's sleep. One or two looked the worse for wear. Not for the baby's cry or the fitful dreams were they jaded. It was more the fact that their weekend had clearly begun on Thursday night with a session that left them with eyes like oysters and brains like haggis. Hence to gently cruise along the Thames, lulled by classical music and soothed by strong coffee was most welcome.

As a well-seasoned, salty sea dog I know the hardships, loneliness and dangers of a life at sea. She can be a cruel mistress and a fearsome enemy when you're strapped to the mast in a force ten gale, with an empty bridge and a dirty poop deck. Fortunately life on the Thames isn't half so scary but it still has its trials and tribulations. Do the Danish pastries taste a little bit German? Will we run out of pink gin before we come into port? Will the ratings mutiny and steal all the after eight mints? These are the worries that are rapidly turning my beautiful chestnut mane to silver grey! But I know I must not reveal this life of care to our guests, I must smile through the tears. Never relenting before the heavy mantle of responsibility that I wear like a mangy fox fur stole.

The seminars have come and gone over the years, like the girls I left in port, but I always strive to make each tour of duty better than the last. I wear my uniform with pride, (which is strange because it's a velvet two-piece) and I often look out to sea wistfully remembering the past seminars we've had, the battles we've won and the enemies we gladly torpedoed off the starboard bow. Good gad sir, they were happy times in their way, we sank a few battleships and a few pints too.

Shhhhh..... That HMG Chap

The morning seminar was run with military precision and aimed to show our guests how vulnerable the land lubbers were. Naughty cabin boy, Peter Edgeler opened proceedings with a summary of the latest court martials for breaching the Data Protection Act and an impressive display of his conker collection. Although we ourselves were strategically safe, floating in splendid isolation down the middle of the river. Those wireless networks dotted along the river bank to port and starboard were oblivious to the fact that as they tapped away on their keyboards we were able to detect their traffic as easily as hawkeye detects a dodgy serve. Their was a chap from HMG who revealed some pretty sensitive material to our guests from intelligence, meanwhile a man in dark glasses with a heavy Hungarian accent sat next to me and whispered into my shell like that "the squirrel with two feet had chewed his own nuts in front of the red sparrow".
At this point I made for the quarter deck and some fresh air. I had obviously been mistaken for some vile pervert he had met back East during the Cold War.

The Technical briefing, presented by cheeky ship's doctor, Paul Docherty, was followed by a fine lunch and no shortage of libations. The Portcullis Arms bar then opened its arms on upper deck to welcome the assembled throng as they networked by the glint of an Autumn sun and the chink of freshly filled glasses.

Water, water everywhere but not a drop to drink

Like a naval sub in the Baltic, there's no knowing where we will turn up next to surprise the enemy, but you can be sure that following the success of our War Cruises, other will follow where we have led the way. So good luck to the imitators, thank you to our guests and for those of you who haven't had the pleasure, you never know, just like the lottery, one day, it could be you !

Yours Truly
Clive Room Marketing Manager & Security Expert.